An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.”
“Oh really”, says the landlord, “go ahead then”.
The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.”
Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck”, says the landlord, “Go on, try again…”
The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar”, he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.”
“You’re talking rubbish.” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again!
Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again.
He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor”, he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”.
The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there.
“Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible”, says the landlord, “what else can you hear?”
The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while.
He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”.
The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!”
“Well then, where’s my fucking pint?”
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
A four chin teller
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
…but I don’t believe him…
The results were château-strophic.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too." They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
Their words, not mine.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
He was checking her balance
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
Police are following a number of leads.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.