An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Originally put primary school but don’t think Americans know what that is
Most People Rejected His Message. They Hated Him Because He Told Them The Truth.
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!
My math teacher showed us this
I hope Gov. Cuomo and Mayor DeBlasio do this.
That was ……. Dark
Chemistry in advertisimg
We all did it at a point
I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
When you accidentally created an infinite loop
aRe vIrUSes aLiVE?
Politeness is key
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
At least the toddler is putting in some effort.
Can’t think of good title.
No need to rub it in, okay? :(
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” – We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
Starting new project
They really be like that
How programmers show their love
ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
Given the Cheeto Bandito’s track record with dictators, this should be a no brainer
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
I guess school textbooks aren’t a thing
Adrenaline power point ending
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
Translation on the comments
Head on the clouds
My therapist warned me that I am getting addicted to downhill skiing.
She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I was in a mosh pit with a load of Muslims.
It was Khanage.
Appropriate for all ages
The secret is stackoverflow
AnD tHEy prObaBly gEt a ParTIcIPatioN TroPhY
Made this in science class
What protesters sound like
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
My toe sis
Two for one
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
A cowboy walks into a bar…
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
What do websites and people have in common?
Of course your can’t change my mind..
Phone bad mirror good
Me as a grandpa 😬