An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar
The Chinese man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?”
The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg… Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.”
The Chinese man, surprised, replies: “Uhhh… Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.”
“Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?”
“You know… I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.”
“Uhhh… but that was an iceberg.”
“Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”
My twin brother and I finally got a barber appointment and decided to shave off our Corona Beards.
He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
Two Gay men are on a long overnight flight.
One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?" The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!" The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex. A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't you ask for a vomit bag?" To which the old man replied "Well the last guy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass"
I was once addicted to soap.
Now I’m clean.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
“This egg carton has a barncode.”
https://i.redd.it/q7jnircmftq41.jpg
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
What do you call a ship captain with a big booty?
"Thicc" with seven C's.
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
https://ift.tt/3duj3Nn
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s brain…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
Why do reddit users hate facebook?
Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess!"
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?
He identifies as he/he.
So I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad
I said too bad they don't have windows
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
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SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
So I killed 5 zombies and a vampire…
… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy 🤔