An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!”
Suddenly,everything–the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.”
The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?”
Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
A man is at his wife’s funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’. The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
I hate two things
math
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE… She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
How bout a blowjob?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
eBay is so useless..
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys