An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.
They eventually would.
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
Why should you leave the restroom if someone walks in playing Pokemon Go?
Because they might be trying to catch a pikachu.
my friend told me there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser
Just to take the edge off
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
The cashier scanned my condoms then asked if I needed a bag.
I said, "Naw, she isn't that ugly."
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
Nine months isn’t really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
I want a divorce…
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”