An Australian pun
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
My favorite time of day is 6:30; hands down
No text found
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
Whats the rudest type of elf?
A gofuckyourself.
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
What do Mexico and Canada have in common?
They both border on stupidity.
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage
I lost my case
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
My friend says to me “What rhymes with banana?”
And I told him "No it doesn't"
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell…
But they only became more sluggish