An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, “You like big pickles?” and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says
Wait, wrong sub.
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
I finally watched Doctor Who
It was about time.
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
A slice of pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
What’s the best birthday present?
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
What do you call a lazy cow?
Lean beef.
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
