An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
I donāt trust people who do acupuncture.
Theyāre all backstabbers
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
My korean friend died last week
So Yung
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
Itās currently half empty…
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that itās President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades arenāt good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and heāll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, āWhen my parents find out I saved you, theyāre going to kill me.ā
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
Sam walks into his bossās office.
āSir, Iāll be straight with you, I know the economy isnāt great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.ā After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. āBy the wayā, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, āwhich three companies are after you?ā āThe electric company, water company, and phone companyā, Sam replied.
A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.
It was motherfucking gold.
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, āYou donāt have much of a case.ā
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
A cop pulled me over and asked me, āWhere were you at 5-6?ā
I replied Kindergarten
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
Someone threw cheese at meā¦
Real mature!
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasnāt much, but the reception was excellent.
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"