An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell…
But they only became more sluggish
As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me…
"Just one would have been fine!"
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
“I went on a date with a girl to Yo Sushi,” said my buddy.
"How was it?" I asked. "Oh, you know…when one things lead to another…" he said coyly. "Yes," I replied. "That's called the conveyor belt."
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.
When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively. After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Well…Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
What genre are national anthems?
Country
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
An elderly, forgetful couple . . .
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?', she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What’s your pleasure?”.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night. I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe….
They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time. The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!” The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!” The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit… Cindy has a dick.”
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
“Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.