An engineer and a mathematician.
An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.
A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists.
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
The American military should really be worried…
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..
“Burger and chips, please.” “Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
A man goes to a job interview.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
My girlfriend objected when I tried to..
post our home made sex tape on PornHub, saying she couldn’t stand the thought of all those strangers masturbating over it. So I put it on Facebook instead.
I for one like Roman numerals.
No text found
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said…. "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't!
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection…
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
I used to work at an unemployment office…
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
Our friend Chuck hasn’t contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
Because long time no C.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
“I’m a socialist drinker.” “Don’t you mean social drinker?”
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.