An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman wander in the desert
After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. Out of nowhere, a genie appears. The genie sais: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try."
The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "Us, the english gentlemen, never drink tea with milk."
The wall cracks.
The American adds: "Us, the american gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work."
Again, the wall cracks.
Now all left up to the Scotsman, he takes a deep breath and starts: "Us, the scottish gentlemen-"
The wall shatters.
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?
Because it has no home button.
There is a nudist club meeting on next Saturday.
I might go if I have nothing on.
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Not typical young people or wife bashing, but i felt like this was a pretty boomer joke
https://ift.tt/2ZPoEb4
How many volunteers do we have for my army ?
"385, my liege." "Okay, round them up." "400, my liege."
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
“Mom? What’s dark humor?”
“Well son…you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.” “Mom! I’m blind.” “Exactly.”
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
I made a belt out of watches once,
It was a waist of time.
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!