An enjoyable boom
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
Footage of trump preparing for rally
https://ift.tt/3dmaDqK
When I turned into a teenager, my dad repeatedly emphasized the importance of using a condom whenever I have sex.
He said, “Anyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.”
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
The Norwegian navy has started putting bar codes on their ships…
So they can scan da navy in…
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
Joke
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think I’m a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
