An entire year of people’s butt cracks
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
[NSFW] What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
The FBI had an open position for an assassin
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
There is a guy stealing Iphones around town
He is probably going to face time
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
Three guys go in for a job interview.
The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!” The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever. Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!” So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!” So the third guy goes in. Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah. You wear contact lenses, don’t you?” “WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?” “Well…” Says guy three… “You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
