An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.
The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
To beat the crowds.
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are? He says, "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, "Pussy and bitch." Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
They only do their jobs after they are fired
A good buoy.
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12.67.” The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar. After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, “anything else?” The man says, “Gimme a shot of bourbon.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want a double bourbon, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves them and says, “That’s $14.03.” The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar. After that round, the bartender says, “What else will ya have?” The man says, “I need a Jack and Coke.” The ostrich says, “Me too!” The cat says, “I want two Jack and Cokes, and I’m only paying…” “Half price, I know,” says the bartender. He sets them up and says, “$16.38, please.” The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out. The bartender asks the man, “How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?” The man says, “Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket.” The bartender says, “That’s brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you’ll never run out of money, you don’t have to worry about carrying it, and you’ll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant.” The man says, “I know, and thank you!” The bartender says, “So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?” The man said “A chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
But my parents already made one.
A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot says!”
It's all fingering.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
I've heard there is 8 stories.
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
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They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
He was a her before.