An interesting title
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
Why are Lawyers buried 12 Feet Under?
Deep down they're really good people
As long as it runs..
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
Look at Hillary, not me – Moscow Mitch!
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It’s quite bazaar
A day seems like a century
The truth behind the lies
Protect and Serve
It do be like that tho
As a student, it really makes me angry
Many people are saying…
Bernie Bad, Millennials Entitled
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
Self isolation against Corona Virus!
This one is actually pretty funny. The noses though…
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
A guy asked a girl in a university library…
…"Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
A higgs boson particle goes into a church…
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
only thing holding me back
is your daddy rich?
You can’t kill what is already dead
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
i expect at least 5 claps from this
Haha great idea 👍🏼
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
Dude complimented his own work
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
ohshitgit.com by @UserInputSucks
What do you get if you masturbate today?
A happy, hollow ween!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
I think we all know the answer.
Users just want to go rogue
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
But, he was sent by God…
Some things never change
The good ol’ days
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
Easy betrayal 😭
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
Why is a leather jacket good for camouflage?
Because it's made of hide
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen. “Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Pinterest has quite a lot of these….
Breaking: water glasses are part of the Deep State
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
Making it great again
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
DHCP server when I switch from wired to wireless
This should work
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
I’ll take 3 health bullets please
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
Valentine’s card I made for my girlfriend 💘
The CIA,The FBI and the KGB
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
We might have to flush twice…
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
We didn’t “flatten the curve” so much as we “suppressed the stupid”.
I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”
My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?” I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again” My son said, “I see what you mean Dad.”
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.