An interesting title
My wife phoned me while away.
"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?" I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact." "What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!" I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff
No strings attached.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?
He identifies as he/he.
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
What does an Italian terminator say
Pasta-lavista
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
Donald J. Trump walks into a bar…
and lowers it
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Achoopacabra
Jack And Jill
Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping. The teacher asks Jill “Who created Earth?” Jack pokes Jill with his pencil. She yells “Oh my God!” “that is correct Jill.” She goes back to sleep. The teacher asks Jill “Who is our Lord and Saviour ?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “Jesus Christ!” Teacher says “Correct again Jill.” Jill goes to sleep. Teacher asks Jill “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”
I don’t know any dean jokes.
No text found
[NSFW] I told ya mom!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.