An interesting title
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
Had to quit my job at the muffler centre
Too exhausting
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars…
Judge: First offender? Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Phillippe Phillop.
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!" The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.
Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window. When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived. “You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.” The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell… and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly. The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, “You’re such a dick when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I got fired from the frozen orange juice factory today.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."