An interesting title
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?
Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
What type of music do windmills like?
I heard they're big metal fans.
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person…
…I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No…But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.” “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician. Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
Insert joke here
Insert punchline here
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
I come to this sub when I’m on the toilet.
Just for shits and giggles.
I watched a great documentary on beavers this weekend.
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
What’s a communists favorite part of math?
The distributive property.
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”