An interesting title
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
Why do gay people laugh at everything?
Because they cant keep a straight face
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Drunken Fools
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen." 1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.
So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought… She couldn’t stand to leave me.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
What happened in Hong Kong this week?
According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
Job Interview: “What is your greatest weakness”
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door…
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
Little Johnny is back
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad