An interesting title
I once threw a quarter into the San Andreas…
I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
I have a fear of giants
Feefiphobia.
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’ Bob was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home…. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. 'BOB, wake up……. You've shit the bed!
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
Day 284 without sex…
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
Why don’t birds recognize each other?
They are in da skies.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
