An interesting title
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers. When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it. When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it. When they got to the third barrier, Thor took out Mjolnir and bopped a hole in it. Then they got to the fourth wall, and Deadpool said, "Am I supposed to be the punchline to this joke?"
I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
This will probably get deleted because it’s not a clean joke, but I wanted to say thanks.
Two weeks ago a dear friend went into the hospital on bed rest with preeclampsia in hopes of keeping her baby in utero a little longer. To keep her cheered, I visited r/cleanjokes every day and sent her jokes throughout the day. She had her little preemie today … only 3 pounds but healthy. My friend told me she really looked forward to the jokes … and I found all of them here. So thank you to all of you who helped keep her cheered while she gave her precious baby more time.
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
Two lesbians and two gay guys are driving to the beach. Who gets there first? nsfw
The lesbians because they’re doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys are still at home packing shit.
How do you know so many dad jokes?
I have a dad-a-base.
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”. She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”. Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”. To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider