An interesting title
Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex.
“Timmy! Close your eyes and leave!” Timmy’s mom yelled. “But… what were you doing?” Timmy asks. “Well, your father has big beer belly, so I was jumping up and down on him to flatten him out!” The mother responds, nervous. “Well, there’s no use in that.” “Well, why not?” “Because when you’re out shopping, the lady next door comes in and blows him back up!”
Hermione’s son: Mum, you’re a witch!
Hermione: Emma Watson?
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
What do you call a timely dinosaur?
A prontosaurus
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
The joke is that this SHOULD be a fake tweet but…it’s real… how .. the …is this real
https://ift.tt/2UtRTPh
If a rooster in China climbs to the top of a pagoda…
And the town sorceress Wei observes that last night the stars were aligned with the White Tiger, And she sees the sun rising over Turtle Mountain to the east, And she notices the roof on which the rooster sits is made of Earth, And she feels the cold wind blowing north, chilling the Metal in her bones, And she hears the rumbling of a fiery thunderstorm in the south, And her hungry servant reminds her they have no more chickens–only that one rooster left–and roosters don't lay eggs, so can he buy some rice or must he eat the moldy five-day-old egg roll? Witch Wei willed the egg roll.
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him…
… the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice
And that’s Chris Brown
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter
Iowa Caucus Goers: Prove you caucused and get a cool flair!
Being able to decide who represents each party’s ticket is only part of what makes primaries and caucuses so important to participate in. Sure, you can voice your opinion online easier, but standing up and voting has the ability to make an actual impact in our democracy.To help recognize those who have done their duty and stood up to make their voices heard, we’re awarding user flairs to people who have caucused and voted during the primaries. To help alleviate our workload, we’re doing this in sections. Currently, we’re only giving users flair if they are Iowans who have caucused tonight.IOWANS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU CAUCUSED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
My mute grandfather always said:
No text found
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.