An interesting title
A teacher says to her class one day, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.”
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?” The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter: "Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says: "Dear Sir: We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads: "Dear Sir: You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes"
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
Microsoft is killing off support for Windows 7, which is used on a third of PCs globally
https://ift.tt/2uQvjqf
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
Why is McDonald’s so exact about how many French fries they give you?
They operate on a shoestring budget.
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.