My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
Broken pencils are pointless
No text found
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasnβt much, but the reception was excellent.
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister…
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.
Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it wonβt work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
Batman
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
My wife asked if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.
I said, βNo. I have Stranger Things to watch.β
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
What is an archeologist
Someone whoβs career is in ruins
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, βWeβre looking for someone who is responsible.β
βWell, Iβm your man.β I replied, βIn my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.β
Two wind turbines in a field
One turns to the other and says "what kind of music are you into?" The other one replies "I'm a big metal fan"
My 4 Year Old is Working on Her Material…
Her – Knock knock! Me – Who's there? Her – Hungry! Me – Hungry who? Her – Hi hungry, I'm dad!
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
Should I YOLO and put all of my 401k into this hot new stonk?
Should I YOLO and put all of my 401k into this hot new stonk?