An interesting title
If I Was That Guy, I Would’ve Bought A Lottery Ticket On The Way
If I Was That Guy, I Would’ve Bought A Lottery Ticket On The Way
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!
I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids…
Just got back home and they are still here…
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
Bert says to Ernie “Would you like some some icecream?”
Ernie replies "Sherbert."
How does every racist joke start?
With a look over your shoulder
I don’t like stand-up comedy
But I do like sitting down
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?
His blood tested positive for Coke.
The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, “You died in your sleep, Bob.” Bob was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!" "Never!" said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB!! Wake up!! You've shit the bed!"
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrr!!!
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
A dad is given bad news by a doctor
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne
Why do Navy ships have barcodes on them?
So you can Scandinavian.