An interesting title
I ordered a jokebook from Amazon the other week and I’m still waiting for it to arrive.
Sorry if this wasn't very funny to read out on Reddit. Most of my jokes are all in the delivery.
My roomate and i did this game where we cleaned up another ones room everyday.
We were maid for each other.
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?
Me: Leave that to me later at dinner Her dad: coughs I need water Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”
“Impeach.”
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
Little Johnny is back
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I’m like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. “DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
Man walks into a bar with a boot on his head
The Canadian bartender says, "what's that about?" Man says, "yes."
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
While on vacation in Spain with my wife..
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
A prosthetics company was going out of business.
It was on its last legs.
My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things…
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei 🖊
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
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