My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?" "I won First Place!," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering" says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?" They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest – Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Donald Trump ?" asked Pinocchio.
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
Did you hear about the pancake?
One day he got so angry, he just flipped.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could have done for him.
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
What do chemists do with the dead?
They Barium
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
A dyslexic man stormed Area 15
Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad" They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
No text found
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.
Like no bell prize.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
No text found
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
It’s pretty lit.
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
Did you hear about the fugitive’s wife?
She was a runaway bride
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
My neighbor had a BBQ party, and some guest threw a grill at his face.
The attack made headlines.
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
I’m proud of my son, I never thought he’d go so far
The catapult worked well
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently…
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?” He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”