An interesting title
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance š
Finland have just closed their borders….
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We donāt know who it belongs to, but weāre looking into it.
I went to my local tobacconist to discover that it has been replaced by a clothing store…
Clothes, but no cigar.
My wife and I have an agreement. I donāt try to run her life,
and I donāt try to run mine.
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning…
A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing. As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there. "Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus." "I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money." "Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier. So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!" He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?" The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!" The driver answers, "Typical country weather….Don't you agree?" The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back. The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says. Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?" The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!" To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather." The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat. Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely. The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?" The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one." So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?" The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!" "F#ckin' cold, eh?!"
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital
One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions. As the doctor and visitor pass by a patient's room, they sae a man furiously masturbating. He has no blanket covering him, nor privacy curtain drawn. To the amazement of the visitor, the nurse in the room proceeds to go about checking his vitals and chart as of nothing was out of the ordinary. "My god!" Gasped the visitor "What is that man doing!?" The doctor quickly flipped through his notes. "Oh, you see, this man has an incredibly rare disorder where if he stops masturbating, his heart will explode." "Oh my," said the visitor "that poor man. What a terrible life to lead." With that, they continue down the hall until they happen across another room with the door wide open. The man inside is laying back in bliss while a pretty young nurse is enthusiastically sucking his dick. "Oh my god!" Screams the visitor "What on earth is going on here? This is completely unacceptable!" Once again, the doctor flips through his notes. "Oh. You see, this patient has the same disorder as the last one, but his health insurance is significantly better."
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.
āHey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?ā
āNo son, have you seen my dad glasses?ā
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: Iāll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say āwaiter thereās a hare in my soupā after I bring it … DAD: Iāll have the chicken
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
A journal goes to an insane asylum to write an article about it…
He sees all the patient milling around in one room and suddenly one yells 34!and everybody laughs. A few minutes later someone else yells 68! And everybody cracks up laughing.What are they doing? The journalist asks the directior.Well, says the direction… you see, all these people have been together for so long and they've all been telling the same jokes through the years. So now they have a numbering system down, they yell the number and everybody knows the joke and the punchline, saves then telling the whole joke over again.Try one… says the director.Alright, says the journalist and yells 22 and nobody laughs…What happened?Ehh… says the director… that joke was lame
A nazi walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!" The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
The three unwritten rules of life
1. 2. 3.
So for Halloween Iām going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
Iāll be a sugar daddy.
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
The secret service doesnāt yell āGet down!ā anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell āDonald, Duck!ā
My son told me that heās afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the Main stream.
A man is lost in the desert…
A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck…' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting the camel. As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face. A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay. He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing it much faster. Once again the camel whips its head around and bites him in the face, which ends with him laying in the sand frustrated and without having satisfied his urges. A few days later, a sandstorm picks up and the man hears cries coming from nearby. Through the biting sand, he recognises that the calls are from a woman. As he nears, he realises that she is covered in sand up to her neck. She shouts to him, "Please! Please dig me out, I'll do anything you wish!" The man dismounts and starts digging her out. As he is going along, he notices that, not only is she extremely fit and beautiful, but her clothing has been damaged in the sandstorm as well exposing her bare breasts. Advancing to her waistline, she begins to help him, and he sees that her dress has been ripped away, and she's nearly naked. After a couple of hours she is free, and she motions seductively to the man, "For saving my life, I'll do anything for you. What would you have me do?" The man wastes no time dropping his trousers, and says, "Hold that camel's head for me, will you?"
So I walked into he doctorās office
He said : āPick a star sign any star sign.ā I said : āCapricornā And he said : āNah you got cancerā
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says āuno, dosā¦ā poof. He disappeared without a tres.
āI canāt believe that youāve been visiting prostitutes for sex,ā my wife screamed at me. āIām really disappointed.ā
āYou can hardly blame me,ā I answered. āItās not like I was getting any from you.ā āWell, thatās your own fault,ā she replied. āYou never told me you were willing to pay for it.ā