An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements.
I replied, “funny, what was the name of his other leg”.
Alien Vs Predator
He didn't listen though.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
He says he can't complain.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
Anna 1 Anna 2
OK Boomer Edit: well holy fuck 7 upvotes and I got my first gold. Not sure what I’ll do with it. But thank you kind stranger.
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.
They take everything literally
I have nobody to blame but myself.
It's not stroganoff.
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
We opened for The Doors
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
God rest their soles.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.