An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”
The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said: “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
A Tropical Depression
You call them antisemantic!
They let out little prosti-toots
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
Panquakes and shakin'
Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I’ve gotten correct?
Bus driver. If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
To get to the other sidekick.
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
Sometimes he laughs.
But I never got a straight answer
A receding airline.
they were cooked in grease
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
They would call it crucifact.
Unless you count Dracula.
…that still makes him Ire-ish.
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.