An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”
The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said: “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
She fits in your wife’s clothes
My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
I havent seen him since 2005
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
When it's full groan.
I’m a CASHEW!
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
It means a lot to them
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
Between you and me, something smells.
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting!” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers. "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!" It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'" "Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"
He was gladiator.
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
It got stuck in a crack
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
I’m now the CIEIO.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
I'd have to change my name
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder. Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Freddy! I’m here to pick up Betty! We’re gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?” The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can’t see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Jim! I’m here to pick up Kim! We’re gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?” The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Joe! I’m here to pick up Flo! We’re gonna go to a show! Can she go?” By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Chuck—“ and the farmer shoots him.
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
I'd have 83 cents
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
It's Pretty Nuts.