An Irishman and his son went to the zoo…
A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”
The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.
“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”
The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun…
A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice…
“Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
Trolley Go Brrrrrrrrrrr
Can’t hide now
🎶I would do anything for love, but🎵
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
Boooooooo, you stink
Cohesion and adhesion
#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?" "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Here we go again
“Becoming a professional youtuber, he is”
I found this while stealing a car in Portland.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Google is the Antichrist!
Look at us…hey…look at us
Confused Doppler noises
When distrusting your government is part of the national culture…
cries in toshiba hdd
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
*[happy GPU noises]*
What do you call karate for amputees?
Goodbye Daddy !
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.” The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.” She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
What is the German word for constipation ?
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
Today I said to my (male) colleague, when he was dressing
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
Ironic.. aint it.
I got a job as a bullet
But I was immediately fired.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
A nice find on facebook
A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches. The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out. The next night, the bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches. The bartender thinks, "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard last night." He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out. Third night in a row, the bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches. The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically, "What, no drink for ME tonight?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink."
Congratulations are in order
That would be the most satisfying ending of all time
My girl asked me if I were to have a threesome which of her friends I’d choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
I can explain…
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
Degree in computer science= You are stupid. Makes sense
I like the way you are thinking
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
Oldie but goodie
Which one is tougher intellectual demandwise, Physics or Medicine ?
Medicine is well respected among general public. Physics is also regarded highly by many people.But i want to know, among both these subjects/discipines , which is tougher from the point of view of intellectual demand/ intelligence required to study ?
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
my uncle’s facebook, peak humor hahahahahahahaha
*checks code anyway*
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Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
Murica! Fuck yeah!
Video posted in comments
It’s only funny because it’s true
At the desk of the dermatologist I work with
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time
He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger, “Oi! What animal is that then?” “That’s a moose,” the ranger replied. “A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”
There is another