An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.
He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.
The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can't drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney"
So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story.
One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness…
The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother…"
The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it's not that!! It's just that I've given up drinking!"
The only consistently good boomer humor
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I’m still crying
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a promotion?
He was out standing in his field.
I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
Appropriately, I was hammered at the time
Ahhahahaha bookkokkok book
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
Not found: An Interesting Title
THIS. This is why.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
Valentine’s card I made for my girlfriend 💘
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
Don’t Forget the Witcher Too
The dedication here is under appreciated
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
When changing the world took pecs
We should give credit to the number 2.
It became a prime number against all odds.
Loss pt. 2: electric boogaloo
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.
The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night." "That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!" "No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the water. "Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied. The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man asked. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?"
World’s Greatest Mom
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
Is it so?
Like rush hour traffic
Idk what to put for title
A high school is having a talent show.
The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it. A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs. The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
haters be hating
Becoming a man
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
Dystopian future is already here
Every science class you’ll always have negative thoughts
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
I’m sorry little one…
I bought the worst thesaurus today
Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
I don’t even get the “message”
Thats funny but actually really sad.
Only some people will get it (sorry for bad quality)
Based on a true story (oc)
Best parody I’ve heard in long time…
Don’t let snowball reach thermal equilibrium.
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Haha ..just saying
Why is this coming from Kermit? I don’t understand! Help!
I’ve been standing under citrus trees all day.
I feel sublime!
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
How nice of the baby to help out.
I thought this belonged here too
x86 Birth control
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”
Got to save the toilet paper!
Big :/ hours
What’s up with these font styles
Found those COBOL developers for you.
why santa might be a republican [OC]
A goodwill find.