An IRL encounter with boomer humour in my French class. The text says “What are these grades?” if you don’t speak croissant.
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is “It,” closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
When the dev team has to find a critical PROD bug without repro steps from tester
https://ift.tt/2UNKGsJ
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
A clown opened up my post today
No text found
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scan da navy in
I can always tell when I’m near an Indian restaurant
That's naan-sense, of course.
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink …..
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
What happend before the crowbar was invented?
Crows had to drink at home.
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
My boyfriend asked me why I like showering in boiling hot water
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
Smoking will kill you …
Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.