An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."
The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yellsβ¦
"SUPPLIES!"
I got yakuza and jacuzzi mixed up
Now Iβm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry π₯Ί
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.

April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I canβt afford anything.
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges CΒ₯10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another CΒ₯10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, βFluctuations.β The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, βFluctuamelicans!β
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
Doctor: βIβve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.β
Patient: βGreat, how often do I have to take it?β Β Doctor: βEvery two hours.β
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
A man is at his wifeβs funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying βPlethoraβ. The man replies, βThanks, that means a lotβ.
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
Nuts
What is the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.98 and deer nuts are under a buck
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!”
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr Sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!" The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr Tiger, don't drink beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!" The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and starts mauling the shit out of the rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they scream, "Dude, what the fuck!? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and growls, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
Did you know 2×10 is same as 2×11 ?
One is twenty and other is twenty too.
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
People always tell me Iβm condescending
(That means talking down to people)
Do i really need a hypnotist?
I'm open to suggestion.
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution