An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said:
"Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample."
The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained:
"You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked:
"You asked your neighbor for help?!"
"Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
Five gangsters walk past a local diner
The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!" The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?" "I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow the owner into the diner, and then they enter the kitchen. In the back, a man is furiously scrubbing metal pots and pans so hard that he's damaging them. The owner points at the man and says, "My new dishwasher guy is scrubbing the dishes too hard! He's scratching them up and refusing to stop! At this rate, I'm going to have to replace all my dishes!" One of the gangsters rolls his eyes and says to another gangster, "Yo G, I got this." The gangster taps the dishwasher on the shoulder and says, "Dude, ease up on those dishes." But the man keeps scrubbing. Another one of the gangsters says, "That won't do it, G," and he tries to spin the dishwasher around to face them, but the dishwasher man won't budge. "C'mon idiot, ease up on those dishes!" But the man is still scrubbing. The third and fourth gangsters try shouting in the man's ears, "EASE UP ON THOSE DAMN DISHES!" But the man scrubs away. Finally, the fifth gangster has had enough and start pulling on the dishwasher to get him away from the sink and the dishes. Another G joins in, followed by the rest, pulling as hard as they can. But it's no use, and they all fall to the floor exhausted while the dishwasher keeps scrubbing, no sign of easing up on the poor dishes. The owner is shocked and shakes his head in disbelief, "I can't believe it, I was sure this would work." The fifth gangster looks at him exasperated and says, "Dude, why the hell did you think this would work? What can five gangsters do against a dishwasher who's basically superman?" The owner replies, "I know it sounded crazy and I had no evidence to prove it, but I really thought that 5Gs could cause dish ease."
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
How do you introduce a hamburger?
“meet patty”
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
"I'm not Willie Nelson."
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: I thought you'd never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.
The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically” The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized” The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded” The fourth one says “Guys come on, operating on politicians is the best and clearly the easiest” The other three are looking at each other in disbelief. One of them asks why. So the surgeon says “They are heartless, gutless, spineless and heads and asses are interchangeable!”
Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed?
He was a little chilly.
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.