An oldie but a good e
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
Because they can't break the ice.
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.
It has grown on me
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Neil before me.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
I told him to be more Pacific.
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. “Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says. “The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out. “Jacob got a new bike” “Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says. The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?” Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
There was no chemistry
A small medium at large.
African kids can't charge their phones either.
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
No text found
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world." Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
They're really down to Earth.
The second hand store.
but this is as close as I could get
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’. The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.