An oldie but goodie
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
What sound does a tiny cow make
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
Italian Altar Boy’s Confession
An Italian altar boy goes to confession. He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.
Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.
One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. “Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.” “I can certainly try, for my best friend.” Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. “AHHHH! Who are you?” “Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.” “Good hell, you scared me half to death.” “It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.” “Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam. “There is baseball in heaven.” “Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 or 2? 2 or 3?
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
What do upholstery and Ex-Lax have in common?
The can both soften your stool.
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.
“Give it to me now!” She yelled “I’m so wet!”
She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now I’m not so sure.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He'll be born in April
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
Constipation is when your body just doesn’t give a shit.
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What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year’s Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.