An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?
A Brazilian!
I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump…
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. ~Emo Philips, the best religious joke of all time according to someone
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter…
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?
This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didnt! Can’t!
"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well that’s a different story.
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
I used to work at an unemployment office…
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.
Corona did what Trump promised
A Joke from my little cousin
/r/Jokes/comments/fjx93d/a_joke_from_my_little_cousin/
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
No text found
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
Unremarkable
Unremarkable
I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
When the flutist found out she was making less money than the cellist was making…
She wondered what the bass salary is.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
Day 2 of wfh and things are getting pretty weird. The guy I’m supposed to pair with gets pretty annoyed if I don’t pay him attention, but most of what he says about my code is unintelligible. He also seems to never get past the login screen on his computer. I don’t think he’s getting any work done.
https://ift.tt/2wQK9Oq
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
This is a Mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
“Dad, can you explain to me what entropy means?”
“Sure. Let me tell you, it isn’t what it used to be.”
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.
They gave me another one. Free of charge.
Life is like a toilet paper
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?
632 Hallmark movies.
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..