An overused dead meme
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
I’m thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
https://ift.tt/33SC4VL
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution
Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face…
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)
4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!
The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.
After the owner teached him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand. 'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks. 'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.' So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving young Jeremy in charge of the store. Some time later, a woman walks in. She's in search of a mechanized equivalent of the male boomstick of glory. Jeremy shows her the so-called model 'Hercules'; huge, veiny and with a firm grip. The woman is very intrigued and leaves the store thrilled to bits. Several other women pass by aswell and Jeremy proves himself to be a keen salesman of battery-powered penises. All women leave the store satisfied with there purchase. Then an elderly lady walks in the store in search of some private pleasure. Jeremy shows her the top of the stock, but the lady seems dearly unimpressed. Then, a spectacular model catches her eye. 'What about that red one?' she asks. 'Oh, I see, mylady is a connoisseur!' Jeremy replies. He shows her the model and with a light tred and a big grin, the lady leaves the store. Later that afternoon, the boss returns and asks how business has been. Beaming with pride, Jeremy replies: 'It was great! I made quite the sells!' 'Oh really?' the boss asks, impressed, 'what models did you sell?' 'Well sir, 1 model Hercules, 1 model King Kong, 2 LongSchlong21's and the fire-extinguiser.'
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”