An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
Founder argues that we should be concerned with data equality rather than data privacy
https://ift.tt/2L8kSTD
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
I’ve just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there’s no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school
I lost My Chemical Romance
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good.” She walks to her husband and says, “A guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, “Aren't you gonna do anything?” He says, “I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness. The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle. A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?” The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT” The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!” The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
I just took off my backpack after my very last college final.
Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders. Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so I’m happy even if you don’t like my joke!
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
I’ve been diagnosed with the fear of giants…
…feefiphobia
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drinker
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
Reintarnation
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
What do you get if you masturbate today?
A happy, hollow ween!
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.