An Unfortunate Truth
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
I went on a tea marathon last night.
After 5 chamomiles, I was exhausted.
Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom
He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"
How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
Some people are really worried about getting trapped in a cave full of minerals
but to me that's just a minor problem
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
No text found
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York
And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough". "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "this year they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own way.”
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
Gay jokes aren’t funny.
Cum on guys.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
So there’s a farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?" EDIT: Thanks for the silver <3
I’ve spent two years looking for my ex’s killer
But no-one will do it.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t see in the dark…