anafenza is correct indeed
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
Two lesbians and two gay guys are driving to the beach. Who gets there first? nsfw
The lesbians because they’re doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys are still at home packing shit.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
The inventor of anagrams died today.
May he 'erect a penis'.
Just sold my homing pigeons on eBay.
For the 22nd time.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work………
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people