Ancient meme too
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
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What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
No text found
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,”I’ll have H2O, too.”
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
Today was terrible.
My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.
She’s been raising a lot of red flags.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
I saw on the news that someone just broke into my local police station and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia…
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"
What do short people in Minnesota like to drink?
A Mini-soda
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."