And afterwards imprisoned for 7 years in the state of Ohio
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
Halloween teens Party
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
What do houses wear?
Address
My kids treat me like God.
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”
The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.
My dad told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”
Great man, terrible geologist
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
How to fall down the stairs
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 12 Step 24
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes? Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years. Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people. Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac. Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces? Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs. Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me? Prof: well I’d say your fucking nuts.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing. It is on the house.
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
When I buy my wife something made of gold,
she always gazes at me in Au.
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
