And also Stackoverflow for informatics.
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking JK, Rolling
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
Why doesn’t it hurt to get hit with a soda?
They’re soft drinks.
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
A Nike shoe factory burned down 🔥
1000 soles were lost.
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didn’t see that well.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
There once was a woman who had 100 children….
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
If You Squint Hard Enough You’ll Be Able To See It.
If You Squint Hard Enough You’ll Be Able To See It.
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
He was kicking himself.
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
A man dies and meets God
God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything." The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?" God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle" The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection…
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
New Tesla’s dont have a new car smell
The come with a Elon Musk.