And any millennium problem.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
Where is truth produced?
In the fact-ory.
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
Remember, having sex regularly is great for your memory!
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.