(And because we’ve been so screwed by capitalism.)
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
But I decided to call her Bluff.
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
Is it a noble gas?
It was on its last legs.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
I said, "That's my term, Eric."
To a certain degree.
but i don't see the point
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
It was a play on words.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!” The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio.
Your Pupils. They dilate.
then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
I took that shit to another level!
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.