and clorox is injectable
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
Oh, high marks
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.
You boil the hell out of it
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Anyone can mash potatoes…
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
Prophets are going through the roof.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
It got so bad he went baroque!
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal. Me: My truck.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
Serves him right.
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
Because they know divorce will be with them. Always.
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.
A can't opener.
Because he knew there was S'more to life
It’s about time!
They'd crack each other up
and discovers that his friend has turned into an arrangement of shapes closely fitted together, forming a repeated pattern without any gaps or over-lapping. “What happened?” he asks, mortified. “I came here to see if you were self-isolating and…” “Oh shucks!” said the friend, “I thought you told me to self-tesselate!”
It was an ether/oar situation.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!