And doing drugs
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some assholes got my pen
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…..
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
My neighbors cows were stolen last night
He beefed up his security
Scientists have finally figured out how much sleep a teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
![*[happy GPU noises]*](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/6znxz2t0hgl41-400x335.jpg)
Which one is tougher intellectual demandwise, Physics or Medicine ?
Medicine is well respected among general public. Physics is also regarded highly by many people.But i want to know, among both these subjects/discipines , which is tougher from the point of view of intellectual demand/ intelligence required to study ?
I didn’t know why the baseball was getting bigger.
And then it hit me!
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
