And I wonder why I am fat
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry…
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
My wife and I just found out she’s pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book. "I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you." "Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you." "Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father… No… I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son." "Dad… I don't know what to say… I'm honoured…" "Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
Two men golfing…
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go. The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, “What’s wrong?” He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.” The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.” He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, “What’s wrong?” The first guy says, “Small world.”
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?
Turn off the lights.
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
What do you get when you mix a caribou with an antelope?
A cantaloupe! *yesterday at work, my stupid brain called a caribou a cantaloupe because i couldn't remember the name and was thinking of an antelope too. If this isn't original, I'm sorry. But my brain farts come up with interesting answers!
A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed and so did he. There she stood naked, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Some people really like Orion’s Belt
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
A priest told me this joke as a kid.
There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl. They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to help them live for as long as possible. He broke the news to his friends, and they weren't too happy about it, but they decided to go along with it anyways, because they knew how out-of-shape they all were. It was tough for them all to stick to the plan at times, however they got through it together. They each lost between 120-140 pounds over the course of 20 years and were in amazing shape for their age. One day the 3 of them were given great news. Bert got a call, he answered it, then turned around to everyone and said: "Guys! My daughter just had a child! I'm going to be a grandpa!". Everybody was celebrating for Bert when Earl got a call from his son. He answered it, and turned around to everybody and said: "Guys! My son is going to get married today! I'm so excited!". Everybody was now celebrating for Bert and Earl, when Chester got a call. He answered it, turned around and said to everybody: "Guys! My family is having a reunion today! I'm going to see so many people that I haven't seen in years!". They found out that the wedding, hospital, and park where the reunion was were all in the same town, and decided to carpool together to get there. It had snowed a little the day before and the roads were a little icy. As they were getting onto the highway, their car slipped and ran into a semi-truck. It killed all three of them. The three of them wake up together in heaven. They notice an angel standing over them and one of them asks "Where are we?". The angels says: "Congratulations, you made it to heaven". The angel decides to show them around the place and starts at a banquet. "Here is a banquet for you three to enjoy, you've earned it". Chester looks a little sad, and Earl notices and asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester finally speaks up, "Okay, this is so nice of you to put together, but we're on a diet. I wouldn't want to overdo my calorie intake for the day". The angle replies to them, "No worries, you can have as much food as you like without worrying about it". The guys are elated by that news, when the angel decides to show them another place. Next, the angel decides to show them a place where they can spend time having fun. He shows them to a massive building with games everywhere you look. There are at least 50 pool tables, 30 bowling alley lanes, people are playing poker, there are arcade games everywhere, and tons of people enjoying themselves. He tells them, "This is where you may spend much of your time, if you choose. Many people enjoy it here and you might find some new friends". The guys really like this room, but Earl notices that Chester is looking sad again. Earls asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester responds with, "My wife left me because of my gambling problems, I don't want to disappoint anyone else because of it. I'm afraid I wont be able to enjoy this area". The angel then slightly irritated lets him know, "Don't you see? There are no problems here. You don't have to worry about gambling issues, because money isn't an issue here". Chester is especially happy to hear that news, and the angel decides to show them where they are going to live. The angel finally takes them to the third place, and it is a huge mansion. The guys are led inside, when the angel says, "This is where you three can live, if you choose to. Otherwise we have some other mansions, if you want to live alone". The guys are very intrigued by the house, they notice a big window on a wall with an amazing view. They could see for at least 5 miles clearly. They all can't help but gasp when looking through the window. Earl can't help but be concerned about this place. He decides to ask, "So, uh… What's the rent here?". The angel looks back at them with an irritated glare are replies "Nothing? It's free". Earl is sure to thank the angel and says, "Wow! That's so kind of you guys!". Bert notices that Chester is looking a little sad. Bert says, "What's wrong Chester? Isn't it amazing here?". Chester looks up, looks Bert in the eye and says a little mad, "If it weren't for your goddamn diet. Bert. We could've been here 20 years ago!".
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts